Saturday, December 6, 2014

Here Is How I Am A Bad Sexual Assault Victim

Excerpt from article "Here Is How I Am a Bad Sexual Assault Victim" by Maya Inamura found at:
"I am not a good victim of sexual assault. My assailant was not a stranger: We were on a date. I let him into my apartment and he eventually assaulted me there. After he left, he texted me saying that he had a great time and hoped to see me again soon. If you asked him today, I bet he’d tell you he was a modest, sweet, upstanding guy who had never assaulted or raped anyone. He even identified as a feminist.
A good victim is one who did nothing to “ask for it.” A good victim does not know her assailant, is not around him willingly, isn’t sexually active, isn’t dressed provocatively, and isn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She makes it clear that the assault is not consensual, immediately reports it to the authorities, and cooperates with the investigation. No one can find fault with a good victim, because the good victim did everything in her power, and more, to prevent the assault from happening. The fault, therefore, can only lie with the assailant.
I’m a bad victim for a number of reasons. Perhaps the biggest reason is that I didn’t even immediately process that what was happening to me was sexual assault: I turned numb, unable to think or react, and stayed that way for several days afterward. My sympathetic nervous system — the “fight-or-flight” response — chose the third, lesser-known option of “freezing.” Most likely because of that, I think, my memory of the events before and after my assault is hazy, though I wasn’t drunk at all. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about at the restaurant beforehand, or what route we took to walk to my apartment, or what reason he gave for eventually leaving. I don’t even remember the exact date on which it happened.
These blanks in my memory give others a reason to doubt my story — what if I was just making it all up for attention? — despite the fact that my memory of the assault itself is crystal clear. Because I didn’t do everything right, because there is reason to doubt me, I am not a good victim.
In actuality, the “good victim” is a mythical archetype, simply a yardstick by which all other victims are measured. No one will ever be considered a good victim in our society, because there’s always something one can find for which to fault the victim. Once there’s anything at all to fault the victim for, she and her story lose all credibility and she becomes a bad victim."

Monday, December 1, 2014


This is hard to write, but maybe it will make me feel better to write it. A guy took advantage of me and kind of freaked me out. I met him online which probably isn't a good thing in the first place. He picked me up because we were supposed to watch a movie but was yelling at on the phone because he couldnt find where I lived, I started walking to be able to try to meet him somewhere, I was starting to tear up as he was yelling at me and being mean to me on the phone, but it was so cold outside, I just wanted to be somewhere warm and I was already afraid of him to say something so I got in his car with him. He took me to his apartment then after a while he started trying to hook up with me. I didn't want to but didn't say no, so I guess it's kinda my fault but he was yelling at me so it kind of scared me so I didn't want to make him angry, because I was so extremly sexually assaulted  I was trying to explain why he couldn't do certain things because I have PTSD which he did anyway and said he didn't want to know because he didn't want to think of another guy in where he was, I was terrified and couldn't speak looking up at him in horror and he was yelling at me to say yes or no, and telling me what to do. He kept asking me if I was clean and wouldn't believe me when I kept saying I,was, It made me feel dirty. I knew I wasn't going to get out of there till he finished and I was kind of scared of what he would do if I told him I wanted to stop or leave. When he was done he didn't want to bring me home, I did want to stay there any longer though. So he put me in a cab, Just can't sleep now. I know it's my fault but I was just scared.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Big decision

This was a long and hard process to decide but I have decided I want to go back to my college. Jan 12 2015 I will start my first day *again* at Northern Michigan University. I like my job as a cosmetologist, but it was never what I dreamed of, I dreamed of earning a college degree. I feel like there is so much more to me, then just wanting to cut hair for the rest of my life. I finally feel strong enough to go back and finish what I have started. Right now I am hoping to be able to get a degree to hopefully work in a women's shelter to help battered woman and children. I'm not sure about a minor yet but I do have my theatre classes under my belt (because I was originally a theater major, I love theatre, but don't really see job opportunities in it unless I was a professional performer.) so I am considering that as a minor. I am a little nervous to go back but very excited. I get to go follow my dreams again, wish me luck :)

Remember how far you have come!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Yesterday was his 21st birthday

Yesterday was his 21st birthday,

I don't know why I remember that but I don't think I'll ever forget.

Last night I had a dream.

It was outside. He was across the way from me, I saw it was him and started to run away. He said "Don't you wish I could hang" jokingly. His voice was the same. Why is it always right on in my dreams? Then he was on top of me and I was screaming. He was laughing. I was screaming at the top of my lungs "help me!" there was a million people around me, including his family, but no one would help me. He stuck his hand down my pants and was trying to rape me, he flipped me over and smacked my backside. I was screaming. I tried to tell everyone what happened but no one would listen or believe me.

Monday, November 3, 2014

This Woman Set Up An Instagram To Show The Shocking Truth Of Being A Woman Online

The screenshots uploaded detail the abuse and harassment women face daily.
Check it out:
A Woman Called 911 And Pretended To Order A Pizza To Alert Them Of  Domestic Abuse

"had a call that started out pretty dumb, but was actually pretty serious:
“911, where is you emergency?”
“123 Main St.”
“Ok, what’s going on there?”
“I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.” (oh great, another prank call).
“Ma’am, you’ve reached 911”
“Yeah, I know. Can I have a large with half pepperoni, half mushroom and peppers?”
“Ummm…. I’m sorry, you know you’ve called 911 right?”
“Yeah, do you know how long it will be?”
“Ok, Ma’am, is everything ok over there? do you have an emergency?”
“Yes, I do.”
“..And you can’t talk about it because there’s someone in the room with you?” (moment of realization)
“Yes, that’s correct. Do you know how long it will be?”
“I have an officer about a mile from your location. Are there any weapons in your house?”
“Can you stay on the phone with me?”
“Nope. See you soon, thanks”
As we dispatch the call, I check the history at the address, and see there are multiple previous domestic violence calls. The officer arrives and finds a couple, female was kind of banged up, and boyfriend was drunk. Officer arrests him after she explains that the boyfriend had been beating her for a while. I thought she was pretty clever to use that trick. Definitely one of the most memorable calls.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

11 Startling Confessions About Why Some Women Have To Wear Makeup

A look at what some alleged victims of abuse have said about how and why they cover up their injuries.


Two Things

I haven't posted for a while because two things have been haunting me.

A male lawyer called me and told me everything I went through was consensual.

A customer at my job (a man) talking about the domestic violence happening with NFL said if your husband beats you in an elevator and you stay with him, than you deserve it.

Neither is ok..and they don't understand how their words stay with and haunt me, to degrees they'd never understand.

22 British Women Reveal What It’s Really Like To Be In An Abusive Relationships

Read more:

Thursday, September 4, 2014

 College Student Will Carry A Mattress To Class Every Day Until Her Alleged Rapist Leaves Campus

Columbia senior Emma Sulkowicz has vowed to carry a mattress around campus until the man who allegedly raped her leaves the school.
“The idea of me carrying a mattress sort of stuck in my head. I guess I decided to unpack why I was so fascinated with that idea. I was raped in my own dorm bed, so I think the idea of carrying the mattress represented, in my mind, carrying the weight of the memories that I have of that night and carrying the weight of how the school dismissed not only me but the other two women who reported against him, and the way the police harassed me when I reported my case.”

16 Things No One Wants To Tell You About Being A Woman

16 Things No One Wants To Tell You About Being A Woman

It’s harder than it looks.
                    picture source:                

Sunday, August 31, 2014

What If I Never Find Out

Today I feeling lonely. Not that I don't usually feel lonely. I miss friendship, I miss myself. I finished with school a week ago so I no longer have school to distract me,  from this feeling. Sure I felt lonely at school, I didn't have friends, Didn't know if I was good at what I was doing. But I was doing something. Now I have spent that time looking a job. But besides my occasionally looking and trying to apply I've done nothing. I feel so lost. Apart of me wants to leave this city, leave this house away from my parents. I want to be free, all my brothers are gone as of today as well as my current boyfriend, the only people I feel like I talk to anymore. So it's just me. I don't have the money to just leave, nor the idea of where to go or what to do, I mean I had tried to leave. It's not like I don't like this city I've grown up in. But I want to be away from all these people, these places, these memories that used to be such beautiful things, but that's all they are anymore, memories, ghosts of my past before my abuse. Losing my friends, my interests, what used to be me, would be easier if I had something to replace them with. But there isn't. I don't know how to make friends anymore, how to trust people truly. Even the people I cared so dearly for. I'm afraid of them, but if you looked at me how I interacted with people you wouldn't be able to tell, because I am very much a people person love to talk. I can feel for a little bit, But yet I'm afraid to let them in. So sometimes it's just going through the motions, sometimes I just put up a act of myself who I used to or am suppose to be. I try to connect with old friends, but a part of me is upset deep inside. Sad that I mean nothing anymore, or at least I feel like it. Yet also afraid to let them back in, I'll send a text say "I miss them", "we need to hang out soon" but that's all I'll ever do before I get scared. I don't want to be a bother, and I feel like they are afraid of me for what has happened to me. I want people to know, but not be afraid of me for what has happened to me, not make me afraid to talk to them about it, afraid they'll leave me or judge me. Yet I also don't want to put my great pain on them, I don't want to make them feel the hurt but to understand it. I don't want to feel broken, I don't want to feel weak again, But it hurts to not talk about it. I don't want to bring my family or the people who do still talk to me, including my current boyfriend into this battle in my head. The constant memories, feeling and triggers. No one understands how broken I am, a part of me doesn't want anyone to know. The want for people to see me as strong, over it, normal again. But another part of me yearns for them to know to explain my actions, my feelings, my pain. Why I am, who I am now.  This loneliness is something that is not just about friendship. I'm not comfortable with myself when I'm left alone with my thoughts, and the earn to do the one thing I can't; How to fix what ever is wrong with me, find in me what is missing, but I have lost from my abuse, the fear that whatever I do, where ever I go, I will not find it. I'm not comfortable with who I am, I have changed and I hate it. People ask me to tell me about myself and there always comes a sadness in my heart; because I don't know how to tell about my self anymore, what I like, what I don't like. I tell what used to be me, but there's a whisper in me that says "You're lying". But yet I don't know how to find myself either. I'm stuck between who I used to be and who I want to be, but yet have no idea who I am.

 the fear that whatever I do, where ever I go, I will not find it.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Date Rape Nail Polish

These College Students Are Making A Nail Polish That Changes Color When Exposed To Date-Rape Drugs

A nail polish could soon save your life.
Students in the Materials Science & Engineering department at North Carolina State University have come together to invent a nail polish that will change color when it comes in contact with certain drugs often used to drug women, including Rohypnol, Xanax, and GHB.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Yesterday I Graduated!!

I graduated cosmetology school yesterday!! I finally did it!!

What I will do now...I don't know...

Friday, August 8, 2014

50 shades of abuse?

I read this book long before I was abused. I've been contemplating this post for a while now. All the hype about it is scary, it makes me upset to hear about it all.
Fifty shades of Gray according to Wikipedia "is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM)."

I lived this book.

This spanking, bondage, it's sexy to think about feeling like the sex slave to a handsome man as he does what ever he wants to you. He wants you and you are totally captive to him and his naughty ways.

Sorry it's not like that.
Abuse is about control, not love.
Abuse is not romantic.
You won't understand how horrible this book is, till you live it.

Trying being afraid for your life, one false move and you're dead. The embarrassment. People think you're crazy. But you can't even see them anyway. Your friends, family. Isolation. You better not tell them. Bruises, pain, emptiness. You have no control of your life. You are a shell of a person an emotionless movie playing before you. You must not feel because then it will destroy you in the inside too. Tears you want to cry, but they won't come. There are things you have to worry about now you never had to.. Did I eat enough today? Or I will be punished. Am I aloud to hang out with her, talk to them? Or he will hurt me. I have to stay behind the grocery cart. Or he will humiliate me. I need to keep my hair not touching him, or he will cut it. Did it take me too long to get the cough medicine? or I am "going to get it now". He keeps swerving the car. Am I going to die now? He decides.

Abuse is not romantic.
You won't under how horrible this book is, till you live it.

 It's scary how many woman read this book and don't understand how horrible these things are. It is most popular with teenage girls and college girls, just think about that. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused and 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

Abuse is not romantic.
You won't under how horrible this book is, till you live it.

I lived this book.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Don't lose sight

Today after two weeks I started emailing and contacting more lawyers.
It's hard because it's like telling people who know nothing about me the most intimate, fragile details of my life and then getting it thrown back in my face saying it doesn't matter.

Monday, July 28, 2014


What is it with crying? That when it strikes there is a deep pain inside of me, that everything that is wrong comes out and seems to engulf itself in my mind. Some times I shed a tear as a single one forms in my eyes when a thought or flashback of my abuse passes before me, that I've grown accustomed to.

but when I really cry. I feel real pain, like the world is crashing around me, overwhelmed with feelings. I can't catch my breathe, can't stop the serge of emotion. At least I can feel, can shed tears unlike when I was in my harshest state of PTSD. I don't know how to fix it though that's just how it is now.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

help me

Today I spent hours emailing more attorneys.

How do I make them listen? Have them help me?

I wish life wasn't as much about money more about being kind to others

doing what's right.

Please someone help me, please.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Like a girl

                      Wow, what a crazy way to think about it. #likeagirl

Sunday, July 13, 2014

What do I do

I feel like my only choice now is to try to contact all civil case lawyer in Marquette, try to find someone who would take my case.

I don't want a civil case, I don't want his money.

Will any lawyer even take my case?

How am I going to pay for a lawyer?

Will any of them even listen?

I don't know what to do.

...How will I live with myself if I just let him get away

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Treat You Like A Princess.

Original post from

Artist Saint Hoax has created a poster series of Disney characters Ariel, Jasmine, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty bruised and beaten for “an awareness campaign of domestic violence”.
Artist Saint Hoax has created a poster series of Disney characters Ariel, Jasmine, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty bruised and beaten for "an awareness campaign of domestic violence".        

2. Saint Hoax, a “pseudonymous Middle Eastern artist”, says that the aim of the poster series is to encourage victims to report their cases “in order for the authorities to prevent it from happening again”.

Saint Hoax, a "pseudonymous Middle Eastern artist", says that the aim of the poster series is to encourage victims to report their cases "in order for the authorities to prevent it from happening again".

3. The question “When did he stop treating you like a princess?” is written across the horrifying images.

The question "When did he stop treating you like a princess?" is written across the horrifying images.

4. Saint told BuzzFeed: “I strongly believe that using Disney visuals as a communication method would reach a young audience and encourage them to research more about these sensitive topics that people usually tiptoe around.”

Saint told BuzzFeed: "I strongly believe that using Disney visuals as a communication method would reach a young audience and encourage them to research more about these sensitive topics that people usually tiptoe around."


A very kind girl I graduated high school with had started her own company Mikayla Michelle Photography. A couple of weeks ago she decided she wanted to photograph me and here are some of my favorite photos. These photos really made me feel beautiful again after my abuse and everything I've gone through.