Alone

Sometimes the worst thing was feeling alone, not wanting to trust people, trust anything. Even now I usually distance myself at moments. Feel safer alone. Try not to get too close to people. I take it slow. Study new people first before I talk to them. Or put on a mask and fake conversation. Sometimes I don't know if they're going to understand, I can't say how I really feel, because when someone asks "how are you?" who really wants to know? Next time someone asks I dare you to tell them how you really feel. They're look at you like you're bat shit crazy. Even for my past friends before my abuse I'm afraid, I've distanced myself from a lot of them, and I hate it. I'm afraid for the one's I have even started talking to, when will enough be enough, I try to hide my abuse/PTSD systems, but it's hard, you don't know if you're welcome to talk about it, or if you should just conceal it, again, what if they don't like this new Mary? Sometimes it's easier to be alone.

and that's ok.

now I'm not saying completely distance yourself, move out to a cabin in the woods and live off the land. NO, I'm saying take it slow, focus on yourself, because when you do those people, good relationships will come. 

There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely.

I could be in a room, world of people with my abuser and feel so lonely. Even when I got home I felt so lonely. So many people around me and it was like I didn't exist. You have to accept that it's ok to be alone. No one wants to be your best friend or boyfriend. Screw them be your own best friend or boyfriend! Buy yourself flowers or something nice once in awhile! Celebrate yourself, because you deserve it. It's hard to be alone sometimes but it will be ok.

There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely.

 

picture source: https://www.facebook.com/joyofmom

 

 

Also an interesting blog post about a woman's take on how to be alone without feeling lonely, a nice little post.

http://www.graceuncommon.com/alone-without-lonely/