Sunday, August 31, 2014

What If I Never Find Out

Today I feeling lonely. Not that I don't usually feel lonely. I miss friendship, I miss myself. I finished with school a week ago so I no longer have school to distract me,  from this feeling. Sure I felt lonely at school, I didn't have friends, Didn't know if I was good at what I was doing. But I was doing something. Now I have spent that time looking a job. But besides my occasionally looking and trying to apply I've done nothing. I feel so lost. Apart of me wants to leave this city, leave this house away from my parents. I want to be free, all my brothers are gone as of today as well as my current boyfriend, the only people I feel like I talk to anymore. So it's just me. I don't have the money to just leave, nor the idea of where to go or what to do, I mean I had tried to leave. It's not like I don't like this city I've grown up in. But I want to be away from all these people, these places, these memories that used to be such beautiful things, but that's all they are anymore, memories, ghosts of my past before my abuse. Losing my friends, my interests, what used to be me, would be easier if I had something to replace them with. But there isn't. I don't know how to make friends anymore, how to trust people truly. Even the people I cared so dearly for. I'm afraid of them, but if you looked at me how I interacted with people you wouldn't be able to tell, because I am very much a people person love to talk. I can feel for a little bit, But yet I'm afraid to let them in. So sometimes it's just going through the motions, sometimes I just put up a act of myself who I used to or am suppose to be. I try to connect with old friends, but a part of me is upset deep inside. Sad that I mean nothing anymore, or at least I feel like it. Yet also afraid to let them back in, I'll send a text say "I miss them", "we need to hang out soon" but that's all I'll ever do before I get scared. I don't want to be a bother, and I feel like they are afraid of me for what has happened to me. I want people to know, but not be afraid of me for what has happened to me, not make me afraid to talk to them about it, afraid they'll leave me or judge me. Yet I also don't want to put my great pain on them, I don't want to make them feel the hurt but to understand it. I don't want to feel broken, I don't want to feel weak again, But it hurts to not talk about it. I don't want to bring my family or the people who do still talk to me, including my current boyfriend into this battle in my head. The constant memories, feeling and triggers. No one understands how broken I am, a part of me doesn't want anyone to know. The want for people to see me as strong, over it, normal again. But another part of me yearns for them to know to explain my actions, my feelings, my pain. Why I am, who I am now.  This loneliness is something that is not just about friendship. I'm not comfortable with myself when I'm left alone with my thoughts, and the earn to do the one thing I can't; How to fix what ever is wrong with me, find in me what is missing, but I have lost from my abuse, the fear that whatever I do, where ever I go, I will not find it. I'm not comfortable with who I am, I have changed and I hate it. People ask me to tell me about myself and there always comes a sadness in my heart; because I don't know how to tell about my self anymore, what I like, what I don't like. I tell what used to be me, but there's a whisper in me that says "You're lying". But yet I don't know how to find myself either. I'm stuck between who I used to be and who I want to be, but yet have no idea who I am.

 the fear that whatever I do, where ever I go, I will not find it.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Date Rape Nail Polish

These College Students Are Making A Nail Polish That Changes Color When Exposed To Date-Rape Drugs

A nail polish could soon save your life.
Students in the Materials Science & Engineering department at North Carolina State University have come together to invent a nail polish that will change color when it comes in contact with certain drugs often used to drug women, including Rohypnol, Xanax, and GHB.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Yesterday I Graduated!!

I graduated cosmetology school yesterday!! I finally did it!!

What I will do now...I don't know...

Friday, August 8, 2014

50 shades of abuse?

I read this book long before I was abused. I've been contemplating this post for a while now. All the hype about it is scary, it makes me upset to hear about it all.
Fifty shades of Gray according to Wikipedia "is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM)."

I lived this book.

This spanking, bondage, it's sexy to think about feeling like the sex slave to a handsome man as he does what ever he wants to you. He wants you and you are totally captive to him and his naughty ways.

Sorry it's not like that.
Abuse is about control, not love.
Abuse is not romantic.
You won't understand how horrible this book is, till you live it.

Trying being afraid for your life, one false move and you're dead. The embarrassment. People think you're crazy. But you can't even see them anyway. Your friends, family. Isolation. You better not tell them. Bruises, pain, emptiness. You have no control of your life. You are a shell of a person an emotionless movie playing before you. You must not feel because then it will destroy you in the inside too. Tears you want to cry, but they won't come. There are things you have to worry about now you never had to.. Did I eat enough today? Or I will be punished. Am I aloud to hang out with her, talk to them? Or he will hurt me. I have to stay behind the grocery cart. Or he will humiliate me. I need to keep my hair not touching him, or he will cut it. Did it take me too long to get the cough medicine? or I am "going to get it now". He keeps swerving the car. Am I going to die now? He decides.

Abuse is not romantic.
You won't under how horrible this book is, till you live it.

 It's scary how many woman read this book and don't understand how horrible these things are. It is most popular with teenage girls and college girls, just think about that. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused and 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

Abuse is not romantic.
You won't under how horrible this book is, till you live it.

I lived this book.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Don't lose sight

Today after two weeks I started emailing and contacting more lawyers.
It's hard because it's like telling people who know nothing about me the most intimate, fragile details of my life and then getting it thrown back in my face saying it doesn't matter.