Tuesday, June 4, 2013

My Story. Part 1

This is my story.
Part 1
I met Jake at the Physical Education instructional facility (Peif) at my university Northern Michigan University where I work as a lifeguard in late august, I remember he came in with one of his friend’s Michelle I thought Jake was really cute. But I also thought Michelle was his girlfriend when I was closing up the pool jake came into the lifeguard office and said I looked very familiar and said he had seen me before, he asked if I had ever played soccer before, and I said no. He than asked if I knew Garret a boy I previously had relations with., and I said yes, and he said that was where he had seen me before at one of his soccer games in high school that I had been at. The next week jake came in again with Michelle but than Michelle kissed another boy they came with it so I knew now that Jake and Michelle were not dating. Jake started talking to me and I could kind of tell he was hitting on me, Jake said I should come to his soccer game, in fact he asked me three times. He didn’t ask me for my number or give me his, but I knew I kind of liked this boy, and I knew he liked me and that he was a really good friend of my friend Hayden so later that night before I went to bed I texted hayden and asked him for jake’s number and he gave it to me, I texted jake saying that “this was mary the lifeguard from the pief. That I got his number from hayden. And that if he wanted me to come to his soccer game he should probably tell me where it is at haha” I knew the fields were close to the pief where I worked but I had to find a reason to talk to this boy. Jake replied back saying that “we should hang out tomorrow and he would show me the fields.” He proceeded to pick me up in this car the next day and brought me to see the fields after that we decided to climb sugarloaf, I remember we decided to climb up the middle rather than take a path, he thought that was really cool of me. When we got to the top we just talked and I remember jake said he wanted to take a picture and I said which background would be prettier and he said it wouldn’t matter because I would be in the picture. He dropped me off at my dorm because he said he had to go to work but we made plans to meet the next day. The next day jake picked me up and we hiked another mnt in Marquette it was raining so we decided to go get ice cream, I ended up surprising him and paying for both of us. After that we rented some movies and Jake asked me if I had to work the next day, and after I said no, he said we should have a movie night. We headed back to his house, Jake didn’t introduce me to his parents,  and we went downstairs were we started watching movies. I was really cold and wet still from the rain, so jake started warming me up by rubbing my body, than he asked if I wanted to snuggle. I remember thinking that I really liked this boy and he must really like me too. So I turned around said “you want to know a secret, I knew where the soccer fields were.” And kissed jake quick, and he started kissing me back, jake started sticking his hands up my shirt. I was laying there with jake with just a bra on and a blanket covered over me when jake’s mom came down and jake introduced me as his friend Mary, this was the only time I was ever introduced to jake’s mom or step-dad until later on in our relationship. I ended up spending the night with Jake, we just cuddled. The next morning jake made me blueberry pancakes and remember going in to his room and he had written my work schedule, which I had only casual told him once, on his white board. I almost cried because no boy had ever been so sweet to me, or wanted me for anything else besides my body. I spent that day just hanging with jake and he dropped me off at my dorm later that day. I walked in there so excited that I found a guy that I really liked who was so sweet. Jake and I started hanging out every day, and talking to each other.

 About two weeks after I meet jake we became more comfortable with each other and he started talking about if I thought he’d ever be able to spank me. I first I just thought it was alittle strange but whatever if that’s how he gets his kicks,  I had never been spanked before but I imagined just gentle sensual foreplay. When jake first spanked me I remember edging him about doing it the first time. But suddenly the first time he did it he flipped me over his knee, face down held my hands and arms down and started spanking me. He was hitting me hard, real hard. I soon realized this was something I didn’t like at all. But I thought this would be a one time thing, it did seem to make jake very happy though so I didn’t make a big deal about how I didn’t like it. Jake began controlling more aspects of my life, I had told him once that sometimes I forget to eat , he began wanting to know if I had eaten and said I couldn’t lie to him. he wanted to know what I was eating, and would tell me if I needed to eat more. Jake would get angry if I texted him too early even if it was just by an hour, or if I texted him or called him at the wrong time. I remember Jake got like 3 parking tickets while he was visiting me and I ended up paying for all of them, $60 worth, and being punished for me, he said it was my fault he got them because he was visiting me (Over the time I was with Jake I ended up giving him a lot of money, because he would make me feel bad for having him drive the 10 minutes to visit me, or to buy alcohol for us or just because Jake needed money.) Jake started spanking me more or atleast threatening he would. It became his way of “punishment” to me when I had broken a rule of his, or he felt like I just needed to be punished. Every single time jake spanked me he gave me deep tissue bruises, that would last for weeks on a time, that would make it painful for me sit, and move. He knew he could scare me into doing what every he wanted. Jake would film him spanking me and would want picture of my bruised backside. He said he liked the color of my bruised ass, in fact he told me that multiple times. I can’t remember the specific details of the first couple times jake spanked me, I think I blocked it out unconsciously. I use to just put my mind somewhere else to deal with the pain, the humiliation, because if I fought back it could make jake angrier or make him hit me harder, I just remember moments in time, like that jake gave me a clean sock to bite down on, or I used a scarf to bite down on, I remember one time after Jake spanked me it was raining so I ran barefoot out on his deck slipping and sliding in the rain, in my mind I thought Jake might be able to hurt me  but he would never be able to change the crazy Mary I was.

 The actually spankings and my pain and feelings during them are blocked in my mind, no matter how hard I try to remember those exact details there’s like a wall there. I remember asking Jake multiple times if he was ever going to ask me out, he said that he wanted to take things slow he didn’t want to rush into things because as soon as he rushed into things, he would rush out. It didn’t really make sense to me because we weren’t taking anything slow except the label that we were together, he would say to stop bothering him about it, so I did, I was afraid to ask him about it because than I thought if I kept asking he’d drop me like a hot potato but I didn’t really like just being his friend with benefits or whatever. I ended up getting Mono and strep in  early October, I remember both Jake and I were sick before than, I remember Jake said I had to get cough medicine and I had exactly one hour to go to the pharmacy and take a picture with the cough medicine before I would get in trouble by Jake. I remember I called jake to tell him that I was diagnosed with mono but he got angry because he was at work, so I texted him and he was really angry with me, I told him he might not have it, but he said “you made me kiss you last night, of course I have it.” I remember crying because I was so upset that jake was mad at me for being sick, I was so confused on why he would be mad at me for being sick? Isn’t a boyfriend supposed to take care of a girl when she’s sick? Jake didn’t talk to me for a week and a half. Later when I talked to Jake about it he said he was mad because I was so sick and I hadn’t gone to the doctor soon. Jake also said he wanted me to go to the doctor first for them to tell me I didn’t have mono any more before he would see me, which is impossible because mono just goes away on it’s own, so I spent a good two hours convincing jake he should see me because I don’t have mono anymore.  Shortly after I came back to school from going home to rest for a week after having mono, I told jake about how the guys in my hall had wanted me to jokingly seduce a group of nerdy guys down stairs to buy grilled cheese and one of the guys had pulled me into his lap and wasn’t letting me go, and how it really freaked me out a lot because this guy really didn’t seem like he was joking but when I told jake this he replied back about how I needed to be punished for flirting with this guy and letting him pull me into his lap, I replied back saying that it freaked me out I did not deserve to be punished for this. Shortly after that incident one of the boys in my hall wyatt stole my phone and started looking through my pictures and saw the picture of my bruised backside, which he showed to the rest of the guys in my hall, who started making fun of me for, I told jake about how these guys were giving me a hard time, not only this time but how they had wanted me to change in front of them or had been taking some of my stuff  and I didn’t know what to do, so I just wanted to vent to him. He said that “these guys are not your friends, you got that? Dammnit girl,  you need to get some respect. you’re such a pushover. You need to do something.” Even after I told jake that I talked to the boys and they apologized to me and said they had crossed the line, he said “obviously that’s not working, you need get respect. And you’re going to be punished for not telling me this earlier.” This point is where I guess I started feeling some worry, it was like any problem I’d tell jake I was having he’d turn it around so it was my fault and that I had to be punished for it. I guess in the beginning of our relations I just thought jake must really care about me if he wanted to control and care about so many aspects of my life, I had never had a real boyfriend before so maybe this is what every relationship was like, but now I could start to realize that something was wrong, that this wasn’t normal. Around this time I had been drinking two nights with the guys in my hall, the first night jake picked me up drunk than gave me more alcohol, the second night I drank a lot more with the guys, more than them, and I remember the guys kept asking me questions that made me upset, and they said I looked like a troll. When I told jake I was drunk he ended up showing up to my dorm with his friend Allen, without me letting him in even though my dorm doors lock at 10, which jake has been able to do multiple times, but I remember jake was sitting on my bed just watching me drunk, and he got angry when I said that he didn’t care about me, or that I hadn’t eaten that day. I ended up throwing up in my bathroom and it was my suitemate who had to take care of me not jake. Shortly after that jake decided he wanted to spank me again, I don’t remember what I was being punished for, but I remember it was one of the worst times jake had ever spanked me, I remember I hit my bed so hard I got a bloody nose, and I was crying and jake didn’t stop until he said “my ass was bleeding”. I was terrified it was like I could feel all of Jake anger into my body. I went camping on the side of sugarloaf soon after that with the guys from my hall and Ellie one of my best friends (who knows probably the most about my relationship with jake, was jake’s friend previously, and my friend to confide in during this whole process) the boys all got drunk and Ellie and I stayed sober, it was like babysitting full grown men, I remember I texted jake telling him about it, and how I wished I had just stayed home and he said that Ellie was a big girl and demanded respect unlike me, and I made this choice and now I had to live with it, I could have been in my nice warm dorm or in his car with him but now I had to face the consequences for my actions and just kept giving me a hard time. The next day I remember I ended up telling a guy I worked with about jake spanking me, and he said it was abuse and I could go to the police for that, even though jake knew I don’t like him spanking me, I had decided I had to tell him firmly so I remember texting him after work that “ I didn’t want him to spank me any more, it hurt and I didn’t like it, okay?” and he said okay, and I asked if he was mad at me, and he said he had been mad at me since last night and he didn’t know what he was going to do with me or too me yet. I apologized to jake over and over, it always felt like I was apologizing to jake for nothing.

The day after that I had a performance for haunted theater and when I got back Jake said he was at a Halloween party and that I should walk there and come, I said I didn’t know how to get to the place it was at. Jake said to just wait because he and his friend were actually going to pick me up, but I was to wear a certain dress and underwear. I got into his car thinking we were going to a Halloween party but we ended up going to Jake’s friend, Michael’s  apartment. We all ended up getting really drunk, and it felt like I was these guys’ toy, their fingers were near places they shouldn’t be, and just how they talked. But jake decided he wanted to spank me and I said no and tried to run away but jake grabbed me flipped me over his knee pulled my dress up and started spanking me as I tried to fight and get away, he let his friend spank me too. He didn’t stop until I had a panic attack, I just remember jake rubbing my face saying your ok Mary, you’re ok. For that following week or longer I had a bruise mark of a hand on my left arm, it was scary that someone would have to be holding me down that hard to get something like that. Jake also tried to “face fuck” me. I ended up having two panic attacks that night, I remember I was upset so all I wanted to do was be held by jake, feel safe and sleep by him on the couch but when I tried he pushed me off hard and said “stop fucking nagging me” I was on the floor crying when jake’s friend came over and was trying to comfort me and brought me back to his room, he said that jake didn’t have any feelings for me, he told him he’d never ask me out, that he just saw me as something that would blow him or do any thing he wanted. I was upset and crying but very drunk so I started falling asleep.  Michael started touching me near my feminine parts,I didn’t say no, but I really didn’t want to do anything with this guy but I was broken. I ended up hooking up with Michael that night. In the morning Michael ended up taking me home in jake’s car because I had to go to work, he told me that we would figure this out. I went to work right after I got back to my dorm,
but I still felt like crap because of everything that had happened that night.
 Haunted theater costume

I was sitting in the life guard chair when I looked down and saw that Jake was there next to me, he apologized for his actions the night before, this was the first and the only time jake ever apologized to me, and said he needed to talk to me after work, than he kissed his fingers and brought them to my lips, it was very sweet. I went back to my dorm and layed down to take a nap, when I opened my eyes jake was there. He apologized for his actions again last night, he said that he hated how I was a wonderer, but maybe he could learn to wonder with me, he said we were two different people that he was very sporty and I was very artsy, but he thought that was ok. At this point in time I thought Jake was going to break everything off with me, everything I went through would be for nothing I thought. He said he ran out of reasons for not asking me out, so that was what he was doing, asking me out. I remember I started to cry and told Jake that I had hooked up with his friend but I didn’t like it and he had taken advantage of me. Jake said he wasn’t mad because he knew I only had down it because I was mad at him and that he forgave me. I also told Jake I didn’t like when he spanked me, and I had told my mother about it and she said I should leave him, but I told him that I couldn’t do that, I cared about him too much, but I didn’t want to be spanked again. Jake said it made him so happy though, so I said maybe we could work something out. Jake said though that if I put it on facebook that he wouldn’t accept that he was in a relationship with me because he wasn’t a technology type of guy, I told him I wanted to send him a request anyway just in case he changed his mind. He said he doubted he ever would. I had to pinky promise too that I would never drink without telling him or without him. After two months of waiting, Jake had finally asked me out. I thought things will get better now. Jake does care about me, and if he cares about me he won’t hurt me anymore.

For alittle bit things seemed like they were going better, I mean they had to be, I was jake’s girlfriend now. A couple weeks after Jake asked me out though I ended up drinking with the guys in my hall and was stupid enough when I was drunk to tell jake. He texted me back saying “oh my fucking god! Dammnit girl you’re going to get it now! You’re sweet ass is mine! We made an agreement!!!” I was scared Jake was really angry. It was just message after message of bad things to me. I hated Jake mad at me. I told him I didn’t want to be spanked. I remember  November 11 was jake’s 19th birthday, and I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and told him he could have whatever he wanted, he took it as he could do what ever he wanted to me and I wouldn’t care. Jake said he wanted me to get a school girl outfit, I mean it was kind of weird but I thought this will make Jake happy so maybe he won’t spank you or hurt you. So I got the outfit. Also a gift for jake, reese’s peanut buttercups, gummi worms (both his favorite of candies) a toy junior nurse kit (because Jake is going for nursing) and boxers with a moose on them that said “wanna moose around?” Jake showed up and I was in the outfit, I was convinced in my mind I could get Jake not to spank me. Jake just kept talking to me about how mad he was and also about my sleeping through my anthropology class so many times, it was like he was acting like my father, even though he wasn’t. I remember I was sitting on the edge of my bed frame when jake was behind me and showed me that he had a white wood paddle, and I said that was going to hurt and he wasn’t going to do that to me right now was he? He said if he ever found out I was drinking again without telling him he would beat my ass with that paddle. I was afraid, very afraid. The next day jake texted me “he had thought about it and he was going to allow me to miss one more Anthropology class this semester before he would beat my ass with that paddle, and he would know because he was going to be waiting on the steps of Jamrich every day for me before class, and the days he didn’t have class (Tuesdays and Thursdays) I was to text him at 8:45 or else he would assume I had over slept, and he would know if I was lying because he had a friend in that class.” I was terrified. Right after this text I remember my RA came to my door with my RD and asked me to come back to my RA’s room, I sat down and they said some of my friends were having some concern about me (my suitemates knew because they heard the spanking, the boys knew because they had seen the picture on my phone, and they had told some of our other friends, and Ellie had known from the beginning and still probably knows the most.) I then had to tell them the whole story, than they had me meet with Amy from the Harbor House a couple of times, these meetings made me realize more that what Jake was doing to me was abusive and I was in a very dangerous situation. I was really having a hard time that night that I met with my RA and RD so I texted Hayden, he ended up picking me up and we just talked he told me how he had heard that this had happened to Jake’s past girlfriend but maybe in not such specific terms, he also told me more about how Jake’s father was abusive, which I already knew, but he told of how jake’s father use to try to kill jake when his mother was pregnant with him, or he use to try to kill jake’s mother. He said Jake’s dad ended up in jail perhaps by Jake’s fault. Jake in fact had told me before that he had his father’s aggression, but his dad was horrible to woman and he was good to woman. Jake had said too that if he ever sees his dad again he has a gun, and he is going to shoot him. Hayden said he didn’t think Jake cared about me as much as I cared about him. He said I should get out, go to the police. Hayden ended up spending the night talking to me.

 I woke up to my phone buzzing and realized I had slept through my Anthropology class again. Jake was texting me saying “Well where are you?” “I don’t see you” “I’m waiting” “guess you just slept through your safety net, and on the first day too. What a shame.” I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell Jake I had been talking with Hayden, his best friend, all night, or that Hayden had kissed me even though he was engaged. What would Jake do to me? I didn’t  want to be told I would be punished anymore, he was so angry. I didn’t text him back till later on that day and made up an excuse that the brownie leader I co-led with was having a family emergency and that was why I couldn’t text him back. He said I still would need to be punished for missing class. The next Tuesday was the day Jake decided  I needed to be punished.

He said he would be coming to my dorm after work. I had convinced myself though that I could get him not to spank me, I had done it before on his birthday, couldn’t I maybe do it again? I had a plan this time too, if Ellie or my suitemate’s every got sos they were to call public safety right away. And since we were going to be in my dorm if my suitemates heard him spanking me they were to come knock loud on my door and if I didn’t answer they were suppose to call public safety or my RD. but I remember being terrified that whole day just thinking about it, than jake showed up to go swimming at the peif, I remember thinking, he wouldn’t hurt me here, would he? There’s people here, he couldn’t. I was still afraid though, but I thought staying in a public place would be better to be with Jake at this time than for it be just Jake and I. After I got off from lifeguarding  I swam my fitness laps than went and swam with Jake and the friend he came with, Jake was very nice, the good jake. But when I got home he called me and said he wanted me to come to his car by the hospital. This was not what I planned. And I knew why I was going to his car. I thought though that I could still get him not to spank me so I told one of my suitemates where I was going and went out to jake’s car. When I got out there it was ominous what jake wanted to do to me but I tried to stop him. I remember we were heavily making out when I giggled and Jake got really angry. Amy told me that usually when abusers get angry it’s like a flip of a switch, and that was what it was like. I saw the light leave Jake’s eyes, his voice changes and his face becomes like stone. I remember I was on top of Jake and he had his hand above me shaking trying not to hit me, I closed my eyes waiting for him to smack me hard. Jake was breathing deeply so I started trying to rub his face to calm him down and said weakly “you’re ok.” And he screamed at me “STOP IT.” I was taken aback and terrified, when Jake was angry he couldn’t control him self. Jake calmed down alittle bit and asked me if he ever caused any of my anxiety or made me cry. The answer was yes, but I couldn’t tell Jake that, what if it made him angrier especially right after what happened. It was always like walking on egg shells with Jake, I had to say the right things, do the right things to not set him off, always do and say what makes Jake happy. When I didn’t answer jake said “you have no reason to be afraid of me.” He said “I’ve got a deal of you.” I said “ok” he said “I can hear the fear in your voice Mary, you don’t have to be afraid of me, I genuinely care about you.” I said “ok.” He said “I can still hear the fear in your voice, Mary. But I’ll make you a deal, I’ll never spank you for anything to do with school, but if I find out you’re drinking with out telling me, so help me god. And I don’t understand why you have such a problem with spanking, this college Mary, everyone does it.”  I knew that wasn’t right but I couldn’t say anything or jake would get mad. Any effort I had ever thought about to stand up to Jake again left me, when I remembered that image of the light leaving jake’s eyes and his hand shaking above me.  I didn’t see jake for two weeks after that because I went home for thanksgiving break, I was very sad though that he didn’t say goodbye to me or act like he wanted to.

We did still text though over thanksgiving break though, I remember I had jokingly texted Jake that “after all this good thanksgiving food, im afraid im going to be fat! Haha.” Jake answered with “I hope not too fat.” I said “Im just kidding.” He said “lots of jogging for you than.” I said “Jake I’m not fat.” He said “well you could always work out at the peif too.” I said “Jake I really am just joking, and I don’t even have a peif pass anyway all I could do was swim because I worked there.” He said “swimming will do, it’s very good exercise.” I said. “Trust me jake, Im not fat, I was just kidding.” I texted Jake and told him I was getting my hair cut and he asked “if I had ever dyed my hair before” I said no and he asked “if I ever would” “I said I loved my hair color.” I just felt like there kept becoming more and more things jake wanted to control about me. Jake started texting asking me again if he could spank me, and I said I didn’t like it, it hurt. He said it “it made him happy, and didn’t I want him happy?” I said “I wanted him happy, his happiness meant so much to me, and maybe I’d think about letting him spank me.” It was always about making Jake happy because when Jake was happy than he wouldn’t spank me or punish me, or if he did not as hard or as bad.

When I got back to Marquette I was so excited to see jake, but when I asked him if he want to see me he said “I don’t know what to tell you, I only have enough gas to get me till Wednesday, and I have to study for a test. I wish you had a car up here. I guess if you really wanted to you could take a taxi and see me, I guess.” I was hurt. More hurt than anything jake had done to me before, and I had been through a lot. Jake always saw me and got me when he wanted me, never the other way around, he would make me feel bad if I wanted to see him. I said back that “I haven’t seen for 2 weeks and I guess I was just really excited to see you, and I thought you’d want to see me, I’m almost crying now. I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you mad at me.” He replied “Jesus! I’m not mad at you but Im going to bed soon because I have a test in the morning.” Just that stupid situation made me cry harder and more than Jake’s ever made me cry, because in my mind it wasn’t about the fact that jake didn’t want to make a 10 minute drive to see me but that he didn’t care about me enough to want to, or that he only wanted me when he wanted me. The week after that I saw Jake almost every day, and it was great till he found out that the guys in my hall were stealing my microwave and stuff. One time I got there and Jake and Allen were already there because I gave him my key play scrabble in my room till I got back from work, when I walked in my room I realized my microwave was gone, I was able to get it back from the boys but for the rest of the night I heard from Jake how I didn’t have a spine, in fact I wasn’t allowed to lay on the coach with Jake till I got a spine, he pushed me off multiple times. When they left Jake wouldn’t kiss me till he said I got a spine and said I had to stick up for what my self, and I “well I want you to kiss me.” And he said “you don’t have to stand up to me, I know what you want and what’s best for you.” I followed jake all the way out to his car and said “you’re really not going to kiss me” he said “get a spine first” I started walking away and then he picked me up made me promise I’d get a spine and kissed me. It felt stupid that I was being belittled because of a microwave. I remember shortly after that on November 30, a soccer player drowned at the pool at the peif, where I lifeguard, even though I wasn’t on duty it still affected the whole lifeguard staff and I felt a lot of remorse, Jake ended up coming over that night and we got really drunk. I remember I was crying because I was upset because of the girl and jake said I’d better shut up or he’d spank me, which made me cry harder because Jake was angry at me and I was scared. The next day I ended up getting myself in the ER for aspirating on ice cream, I ended up getting chest x-rays, a breathing treatment, and being treated for the beginning signs of phenomena. Before I was even out of the ER jake called and said he would be to my dorm in 15 minutes, at first I thought it was because he was worried about me, but when I was able to get up the stairs with jake he said “maybe I shouldn’t have come.” I asked him if he would just lay with me for alittle bit till I feel asleep, he rolled his eyes but laid down with me.
 I soon found out that Jake really just came there because he wanted me to do stuff with him or  wanted a bj, which was something I always did for Jake, whenever Jake wanted, sometimes it would get me out of spanking, I didn’t really like it that much but I was ok with it because Jake liked it, I can see it now as another type of thing for Jake to feel the control over me. One time just texted me and asked what time I left of class, and asked how did it sound for him to pick me up and for me to give him a bj before class?  He said it just sounded like I was having a big panic attack, like he didn’t believe me. I had  just gotten out of the ER, had a fever and was shaking furiously from the breathing treatment, and jake came there to do stuff with me I couldn’t believe it.  Isn’t a boyfriend suppose to be worried when their girlfriend just went to the ER? Jake stayed till the early morning, kissed my forehead (which I loved when ever he did this) and left. The week that followed Jake talked more about how much he wanted to spank me and I made the mistake of texting Jake that sometimes I was afraid he didn’t care about me, this made Jake really angry. He said “of course he did, but somethings I do annoy him too!”   I said “im sorry.” He said” I was lucky he wasn’t there when I said that too him and that he didn’t come over today and if I ever said that again that he was gonna be really pissed off and I wouldn’t like it.” The next day Jake decided I had to be punished for that comment. I tried to get out of it by saying” he wouldn’t be able to do it at my dorm with my roommate here.” He answered with “oh that’s cute you think that will save you, we will do it in my car, good try though.” He said “you’re gonna get a damn good spanking and I’m debating on butt fucking you really hard after your comment earlier, your ass is really gonna get it and hard.” Which would be sexual assault. The last time I saw Jake before I went home for Christmas break was December 14th, We were having a great time but when we walked into my room I saw that my microwave was gone, I thought if I didn’t say anything maybe Jake wouldn’t realize it. He saw it though and the switch flipped, I could tell it in his face, in his body, in his voice. He said “are you going to go get your microwave or do I have to.” I was terrified, Jake was so angry, I went to go get it back from the boys, I was pleading them, didn’t they understand how angry they were making Jake? How all that angry was going to be put on me? They said I had to give Wyatt’s textbook back before they would give me the microwave. I went back to get it and Jake was just standing in the hall furious, when I came back the door was locked so I started knocking on it jake yelled “give her her fucking microwave back!!” and I said “come on boys.” Which made Jake really angry so he punched the metal door hard next to me I cowered down and covered my head. The boys finally opened the door and gave me the microwave, it was like I was protecting those boys from Jake, they had joked around before that they could take him but I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. I walked back to my dorm with my microwave and I could tell jake was still angry. We just layed on my bed and watched TV and my roommate was there too. Jake still had the look of anger on his face. I asked him if he was angry with me and he shock his head yes, I said “why are you angry at me?” and he said “You don’t know me that well now do you?” I said “yes I do. And I know why you’re angry with me.” I hated Jake mad at me, the feeling of Jake’s anger, we weren’t going to see each other for a month the last thing I wanted was Jake to leave angry at me. We laid there in silence for awhile, till my roommate said “sorry Jake I’m not the enemy I’m just the messenger, Mary and I agreed when I moved in that guys couldn’t stay over night, and im going to bed so I have to kick you out.” I kept think no! not now when jake is already so angry at me.  He told me I should come out to his car. I went out to his car and I knew he was still mad at me. Jake kept saying that I needed to get a spine and just kept putting me down so I started to cry, he pulled me into his arms and said to shut up. He said he was so tempted to just punch those guys and he talked of wanting to kill them. He said it would make him feel better to just put me over his knee and spank me, and I told him it might make him feel better to kiss me, and he said he didn’t trust himself, I said I trusted him, even as tears rolled down my face. He said he would have been proud of me if I yelled at those boys, I said I wanted him to be proud of me, he said than you have to do something to make me proud. I thought in my mind shouldn’t just being me make you proud? I mean I’m not perfect but I do think somethings I do, who I am, are worth being proud of. I didn’t want to yell at these boys for just a silly joke, it wasn’t worth it, I didn’t want to change who I was a nice, caring person to become what Jake wanted. He said it might be better if he just spanked me to get it out of him, I remember I just wanted him happy. To not hurt those boys. Atleast if Jake was spanking me I knew he wouldn’t be angry anymore, atleast I knew he wouldn’t do anything worse to me. Jake showed me he had handcuffs at first he handcuffed me in front, than he handcuffed my hands behind me. I didn’t fight, I didn’t say no. I gave up. I was taking it for those boys. Jake pulled my pants down and started spanking me. I let my mind go numb, but cried out that I was sorry over and over again, jake yelled are you going to get a backbone now? I said yes so he would stop. He stopped took the handcuffs off and in my most sincere voice he said “I’m sorry for the way I am” and started hitting my butt with the handcuffs. He said it turned him on for me to cry out I was sorry to him. But after he stopped he was happy, the anger was gone from him. 

Jake was being very playful with me, than he said he liked it when I squirmed, I said jokingly “last time I squirmed you ended up giving me a hickey.” That made Jake decide he wanted to give me a hickey, I was like ok whatever I just had work tomorrow and my dad and brother were coming so he had to do it somewhere no one could see it. He said that would befeat the point he had me pinned down and was on top of me and he wanted to put it right on my face I said no and kept moving my head, he finally decided he would put it on my neck which wouldn’t be so bad, except he wouldn’t stop he just kept going harder and harder, more and more and it hurt. I told him to stop, told him I had enough. I moved my head so he couldn’t reach my neck but he pushed my head back forcefully and said move your head now. I was afraid I didn’t know when he was going to stop. I looked in the mirror when he was done it looked like he had strangled me, this wasn’t a hickey, this was a marking of me that I was his. I kissed Jake goodbye and went inside. I told Jake it was so dark I was going to have to cover it up for work, he said “you’d better not cover it up, Ill know okay.” I said “I”m afraid I’d get in trouble.” He said “You’ll be in a lot trouble with me if you cover it up, because it’s the last part of your punishment to wear it proudly, and if I come to the PEIF tomorrow and its covered up I’m gonna turn your butt that color again.” I was so scared, I felt embarrassed, I felt demeaned. Jake wanted my dad and my brother who just graduated from basic for the Marines  to see the hickey to know what they thought, but he refused to meet them.
 The next day I ended up showing my RD the bruise, and the associate director of housing ended up meeting with me later that day and said he doesn’t usually meet with students but he was so worried about me and my situation that he wanted to talk to me personally. He said in the 10 years he had been working here he had never seen a situation quite like mine and that he wanted me to have a off the books meeting with one of the officers, I agreed. I went to work that night terrified if I would get in trouble, or if jake would be there and be mad at me. My boss walked in, she could tell I was distort, she called another lifeguard to come in a work, and I ended up having to tell her the whole story, and she didn’t want me to go back to my dorm alone, she even said I could stay with her if I wanted. I ended up going back to the hotel to stay with my dad and my brother, I was afraid though what jake was going to do when I wasn’t there, he texted me later and asked why I wasn’t at the peif, I said I got in trouble with my boss (I didn’t but that’s what my boss suggested I say) and he said “that’s funny.” Jake was very nice that night, that following morning, maybe he felt bad, but he didn’t say it. That morning jake told me how he was going to miss me and said “goodmorning Beautiful” the first time he ever called me beautiful besides when I was drunk once. And was asking me to leave my key so he could use my dorm room. That was the last time I talk to Jake before I went to file my police report, than later for a PPO which I found out was accepted without a trial. I remember coming back to my dorm and feeling like shit, I kept thinking about Jake’s mother. What was this going to do to her? I was packing up my clothes tears running down my eyes when I saw that school girl skirt I remember I took that thing in my hands and just started to destroy it until it was nothing. Four hours after the detective called him though Jake changed his facebook picture of one of me and him, and changed his relationship status to “in a relationship with Mary Glittenberg” the one thing he said he would never do. I didn’t know if he was doing because he cared about me or if he was trying to manipulate me more because why would he do it now? If he cared about me so much why not before? Jake came on facebook and said he never got to tell me he loved me, couldn’t he atleast give me his Christmas present to me, he would go through therapy, anything, he just wanted me back. So I called him. I remember I was outside in the freezing cold. The first thing jake did when I called him was start to cry. I believed him, I told him I loved him too, and wanted him back.....

"speak the truth even if you're voice shakes"

I am a victim,
I have been hit, and I have been hurt.
I have been put down,
I have been broken.
I have cried.
I have feared.

But I am also Mary.
I am a survivor.