Sunday, August 31, 2014

What If I Never Find Out

Today I feeling lonely. Not that I don't usually feel lonely. I miss friendship, I miss myself. I finished with school a week ago so I no longer have school to distract me,  from this feeling. Sure I felt lonely at school, I didn't have friends, Didn't know if I was good at what I was doing. But I was doing something. Now I have spent that time looking a job. But besides my occasionally looking and trying to apply I've done nothing. I feel so lost. Apart of me wants to leave this city, leave this house away from my parents. I want to be free, all my brothers are gone as of today as well as my current boyfriend, the only people I feel like I talk to anymore. So it's just me. I don't have the money to just leave, nor the idea of where to go or what to do, I mean I had tried to leave. It's not like I don't like this city I've grown up in. But I want to be away from all these people, these places, these memories that used to be such beautiful things, but that's all they are anymore, memories, ghosts of my past before my abuse. Losing my friends, my interests, what used to be me, would be easier if I had something to replace them with. But there isn't. I don't know how to make friends anymore, how to trust people truly. Even the people I cared so dearly for. I'm afraid of them, but if you looked at me how I interacted with people you wouldn't be able to tell, because I am very much a people person love to talk. I can feel for a little bit, But yet I'm afraid to let them in. So sometimes it's just going through the motions, sometimes I just put up a act of myself who I used to or am suppose to be. I try to connect with old friends, but a part of me is upset deep inside. Sad that I mean nothing anymore, or at least I feel like it. Yet also afraid to let them back in, I'll send a text say "I miss them", "we need to hang out soon" but that's all I'll ever do before I get scared. I don't want to be a bother, and I feel like they are afraid of me for what has happened to me. I want people to know, but not be afraid of me for what has happened to me, not make me afraid to talk to them about it, afraid they'll leave me or judge me. Yet I also don't want to put my great pain on them, I don't want to make them feel the hurt but to understand it. I don't want to feel broken, I don't want to feel weak again, But it hurts to not talk about it. I don't want to bring my family or the people who do still talk to me, including my current boyfriend into this battle in my head. The constant memories, feeling and triggers. No one understands how broken I am, a part of me doesn't want anyone to know. The want for people to see me as strong, over it, normal again. But another part of me yearns for them to know to explain my actions, my feelings, my pain. Why I am, who I am now.  This loneliness is something that is not just about friendship. I'm not comfortable with myself when I'm left alone with my thoughts, and the earn to do the one thing I can't; How to fix what ever is wrong with me, find in me what is missing, but I have lost from my abuse, the fear that whatever I do, where ever I go, I will not find it. I'm not comfortable with who I am, I have changed and I hate it. People ask me to tell me about myself and there always comes a sadness in my heart; because I don't know how to tell about my self anymore, what I like, what I don't like. I tell what used to be me, but there's a whisper in me that says "You're lying". But yet I don't know how to find myself either. I'm stuck between who I used to be and who I want to be, but yet have no idea who I am.

 the fear that whatever I do, where ever I go, I will not find it.

No comments:

Post a Comment