My Story Part 2
it took me also a year to write this second part...
In January I remember I went up a week early to see him, I remember he drove all the way from Michigan to come get me. But he refused to come to my house to see my family, he just wanted me dropped off at Olive Garden. I had to beg him to let my mom drop me off, beg him. I had all my stuff packed into my car to bring back up to college. When I got to Olive Garden Jake jumped out of the car and just held me, and kissed me saying that he was sorry. Then he went and hugged my mom telling her he’d keep me safe. It didn’t really all make sense. The following week was good, but since the PPO was in place still we really weren’t supposed to be together so a lot of my time was sent sitting in Jake’s room waiting for him when he wasn’t busy, because “what if someone saw me” he said. Jake made me feel stupid for putting a PPO up against him, told me I over reacted. A part of me wanted the PPO off too, I thought he would change, your mind tells you it isn’t possible for someone to really treat you like that. But I knew deep down that this man was a horrible man, you can’t change someone’s personality. It was like I was brainwashed, but it was a constant battle between trusting heart and my logical head. The first day of my second semester of college I got a text message from Jake saying an officer came to his first class escorted him out and told him he was expelled from NMU with twenty four counts against him, five of them sexual assault all that he had done to me. He had also told them that I was going to be a witness on his trial to get back into NMU. So I was supposed to be a witness on a trial where I was the one who he had all this done to? I remember telling Jake I would fight for him to have a second chance, but I wasn’t going to lie and say it never happened because all of it did happen. He called me every waking minute telling me over and over again what he thought I should say. That maybe I should say we were actually drunk when this happened, or that this certain thing didn’t really happen, or really wasn’t that bad. He would call me in the morning at 6 am, at midnight any waking moment for a week, I mentally could not take it anymore. I remember crying and jake said well if you don’t say this right, if you don’t save me I might as well kill myself if I don’t have school…and “do you really want me to kill myself Mary?” He kept talking about how bad he had it, how he might as well kill himself. Did he remember who this all happened to, not him, me! He was not the victim here! He didn’t want to take responsibility for his actions.
I remember showing up for
the trial I was wearing a white dress, I remember the officer standing there
between us as Jake and I waited outside the room where this trial was held, I
wasn’t supposed to look at him, to touch him. A lot more people were at this
trial I was told than most trials because they had never heard of it before…
the victim testifying at the trial. As I sat outside the door as jake did his
part of the trial, I thought they all think I’m going to lie, what if I don’t
say the right thing? What will jake do to me? I went in and talked about how I
wasn’t here to say anything that I had written in my testimony hadn’t happened
because it all did but instead I was here to fight for a second chance for
jake. It’s funny because now it seems so stupid, me fighting for him, he never
thought he did anything wrong, how he talked of going to batters anonymous
which I know he’d never do. He said he had started to go back to his therapist,
which was true, but he was going to the therapist he had gone to for when his
dad was abusive to him, this therapy wasn’t for an abuser but instead for a victim,
he was being treated as the victim. They asked me questions made me feel, it
made me feel uncomfortable that all this people knew about such the horribly
intimate details of my abuse, of my life. I remember when the dean of students
she talked about “how this wasn’t just about me but think of all the other
students related who were affected, for example the roommate.” I remember down
right hating this closing argument of hers, yes it affected them, but more
because I chose to speak about my abuse rather than hide it? Couldn’t she see
for once this was about me? what I had gone through, it was about me. I walked
out of the room and as the dean of students walked past me she said “Good
luck”. This wasn’t about me, this wasn’t my trial. it was Jake’s. I testified
because I felt I had to, if I had wanted him to have no consequences for what
he did to me I would have lied. I got an email later the next day that Jake
wasn’t able to negate a single count and was expelled from Northern Michigan
University with 24 counts against him, I felt power for once but I also felt
fear. I didn’t tell Jake that I already knew when he said he was afraid to
look. When Jake did look he told me how he was going to kill himself, “just
drink until he couldn’t feel anymore.” I remember he scared me so bad that he
was going to kill himself that I went to my RD and she called the police to go
check on him to make sure he was ok...that made him really angry, telling me “I
had done enough already”, and “didn’t I ever think about how much trouble he’d
be in if they knew he was talking to me”. I felt really bad, but I just wanted
to make sure he was ok. Later in the week I had my trial to relinquish my PPO
against Jake, I got all dressed up and showed up to court. It was a short trial
and I remember the judge turned to me and said “this is an extremely scary case
if you ever need a PPO again we will be here.” Jake grabbed my hand and led me
out of the court house holding my hand.
Jake had complete
control over my life. Life was go to school, work and Jake. He had it all
planed out for me told me in 5 years we were going to be living in his trailer
with a baby boy named Luc with a part time job, he talked about me dropping out
of college, or transferring colleges. It was like I was trapped in a life
already planned out for me. I remember I was staying over at Jake’s and Jake
said according to his mom I was only supposed to spend one night, but I ended
up staying three, but on the third night jake woke me up at 4 am and told me I
had to sleep in his car alone. This is in the UP, in below 0 temperatures. I
remember Jake telling me to get in the car and that he would be back for me
later I started to ball I hadn’t cried for so long but something snapped inside
of me like I was being punished for something. He shut the door and told me the
alarm would go off if I tried to get out. I was afraid I would freeze and no
one would know. Why did he lock the doors? I cried myself to sleep as I tried
to cuddle myself for warm. When I opened my eyes jake was there telling me I
could go inside. The last time I ever remember seeing my friends at the dorms
was when they told me I should go to a party with them, I remember getting all
dressed up, so excited to go out. I knew I couldn’t tell jake though he would get
angry, tell me I couldn’t go. So I told he I was going to sleep early I felt so
bad for lying to him, but otherwise I knew he was not going to let me leave my
dorm room. It was the first time in a long time that I had even been able to
leave to do anything that wasn’t to do with Jake.
When I got to the party with
my friends I started drinking, this had become a problem with me, alcohol.
Anything, and anytime still anyone would offer me alcohol I would drink it.
Never before I met Jake was I like this; but it was because it was the same
feeling of dissociating away from my life, what I had learned all along was the
only way to survive, it had been ingrained into my mind. If I didn’t have to
face the horror and trauma of my life it was like it wasn’t there. So when
someone kept offering me more and more alcohol I took it and ended up drunk I
remember there was a boy at this party who just started to work at the PEIF we
were just having a causal conversation with him than he came in and started
kissing me. I was confused but I said
“no I can’t do this I have a boyfriend.” And went to find my friends. I was
wondering around trying to find my friends when a random guy slapped my butt. I
started to tear up and shake, I was flashing back.
Then I saw the guy again I
tried to explain to him in my drunk stupor what happened then he just started
to kiss me, and I let him. They say the
sexual abused are usually celibate or promiscuous. How many dates I have gone
on after Jake trying to fill this hole, done what ever a guy wanted me to do so
it would make him happy, so even if it was just shallow, unreal, I’d feel cared
about, and when they left even if I had just known them for a day I would feel
such emotional pain. My friends eventually got me to go home. I was awaken the
next morning to a phone call “so how was the party?” it was jake. He said he
knew about the boy kissing me. He was so angry. Asked if I was going to tell
him about it? I said yes I was going to. The anger in his voice scared me. I
knew I was never going to be able to go out again with my friends anywhere.
Jake asked if I could do anything but hurt him. It was like I didn’t mean for
this guy to kiss me but someone had slapped my back side, I had flashed back to
the trauma and was just so vulnerable and terrified. But Jake was so angry and
said I owed him. So he talked about how I would have to give him so many blow
jobs, this scared me. This was something I wasn’t mentally even able to do
anymore, nor was it me even doing it. Jake used to just move my head back and
down, he had all the control. My body would shake, tears would roll down my
cheeks. I had to start dissociating now to get through it, because Jake would
be so angry if he didn’t finish and wouldn’t let me stop. I was just a body. Soon
after this party incident, I remember Jake texted me around midnight asking me
to give him a blow job I was awake so I said ok. I guess he had called me an
hour or an hour and a half later to say he was here waiting for me. I had
falling asleep. That made Jake angry, he
asked if I could do anything right. Told me that I owed him big time now. Soon
after this incident Jake found out about Hayden kissing me the night Jake
talked about waiting on the steps of Jamrich for me everyday to make sure I was
going to class before he would beat my backside with a paddle. I tried to
explain to him that it was a different circumstance that Hayden was just comforting
me, that the kiss meant not nothing. That I was terrified of being beat because
of missing class. Jake tried to hide it from his parents, especially his mom
that he was expelled from school. If anyone asked he said he withdrew because
he didn’t like the major, no one knew the real reason. I remember I tried to
tell Jake’s step dad once that he was beating me he just said that he didn’t
know why Jake thought that was ok. But that was it, I knew he believe me but
why wouldn’t he try to help me? Help Jake? The things I learned were daily life, Jake
stood behind me once with scissors wanting to cut my hair off, held my face
down once to shave my face because he said I had a mustache. Jake always played
rough with me giving me bruises from tickling me or pinching my breasts. I had to follow behind him at the grocery store, never go infront of the cart. I
remember Jake and I were watching a commercial on TV and Jake said the girl on
the commercial was a solid 9, and asked what I thought he was, I said a solid
10. He told me I was maybe an 8, I was hurt shouldn’t my boyfriend think I was
the most beautiful thing in the world. He told me that “he didn’t even think he
was a 10, more of a 9, even though he had the abs and eyes, that maybe if I got
more confidence I could be a 9 like him.” “I should be grateful that God made
me an 8, but I was never going to be a 10.” He was by the book personality
disorder narcissistic. Always needing to be greater than me, better, feel like
he was God. I remember right before
Valentines day I wanted to go out and get Jake a very nice gift, he was going
to the grocery store or something with his guy friend. They were high and he
dropped me off at shopko, for some reason I thought he would come back for me.
But I knew he would get mad if I asked him to, but what boyfriend would want
their girlfriend to walk two and a half miles home in the freezing winter? I
had to call my roommate to pick me up after being to cold to walk anymore.
For
Valentines Day Jake had figured out what we were going to do but ended up
texting me telling me he had to work on Valentines day and he didn’t want to
take it off so he said we could ethier do something on that Sunday or that Friday.
I told him I had to work on Sunday and Friday one of my best friend’s was
having a surprise birthday party and all my friend’s from Eau Claire were
coming up to Marquette. I was so excited to go, see my friends, have some
freedom. But Jake said “well babe you’re going to need to choose and I need
you. Call me right away.” I knew I was not going to be able to see my friends.
It wasn’t about this party. It was about my life, my freedom. I had nothing any
more nothing that I felt I was good at anymore, that made me happy, that made
me feel like me. After I got back from
work I remember I sat in the car with my co-worker because I was scared to
call, hear what I knew was going to be said to me. I finally got out of the car
and called jake. He asked if I cared about our relationship? Told me I wasn’t
putting enough in to it. I had put my life into this relationship, or atleast
but I really had left of it. He told me that “I had to tell him every time I
had a doctor’s appointment, a party, etc. where ever I went because what if he
had a date planned for us and I had fucked it up.” I remember I was just
listening to him tell me all that was wrong with me, comparing me to his past
girlfriend. I felt so alone. Like a horrible person who couldn’t do anything
right. The words “Yes Jake you’re right.” Came out of my mouth. Was it myself
saying that? “Yes Jake I need to tell you everything I have anything.” This
person talking wasn’t me, where was mary? I was nothing. I saw my razer I had
never thought about hurting myself before that was weak, I would be as bad a
jake, but I was so used to this feeling of do something wrong get punished.
Jake was talking on the phone but I just couldn’t take it anymore getting all
this emotional abuse atleast the physical pain hurt less, so I grabbed my razer
went into my dorm bathroom floor and cut up my legs deep till they bled and
scarred, still on the phone with jake. Eventully I heard Jake say that he was
going to take valentines day off but he wasn’t going to like it. I said ok hung
up the phone and sitting in this pool of blood tried to cry, but I couldn’t
even get out one tear. I wrapped my legs up in paper towel tape and went to
bed. Within two days my roommate saw the bandages and told my RA, who then told
my RD. Jake ended up seeing my bandages he told me he didn’t want to deal with
this again, I felt ashamed. I had to have a mandatory meeting with my RD Jake
told me not to go said they had already did enough, I didn’t want to disobey
him so I tried to avoid it, I felt embarrassed that I had done this, but no one
could see how trapped I was. Eventually my boss at the PEIF saying I had to go
to this meeting, she took me off the lifeguard stand. Took me to the meeting,
then took me to lunch. I remember I had to meet with the dean of students I sat
down and remember her telling me basically that I was dumb for staying with
this guy, I hated it this woman had no idea what I had gone through how scared
I was to leave, scared to die or worse how myself was slowly dying inside, how
lost I really was. We talked about my GPA and how she was surprised it was as
high as it was. She made me feel stupid. We talked about how we both agreed I’d
never cut myself ever again. I knew it. She knew it. She said I would still
need to go to a routine psych evaluation, but she would only talk to me about
the cutting myself nothing about Jake. She said she was almost 100% sure she
wasn’t going to expel me for cutting, but she “could expel me for that boy, yes
I could do that.” Because my choice to stay with him was my choice to harm
myself. This appointment was with the head psychologist, I remember she had
been on Jake’s trial to get back into school. I sat down calm and collected, if
you asked me what exactly she said I’d say I can’t remember. It was nothing
about cutting myself it was all about my abuse, maybe if she hadn’t been on
jake’s trial it would have gone different. She made me cry, made me show the
feelings I had been hiding back. She pretended to be Jake. I remember Jake kept
calling me and I told her he would get angry if I didn’t answer, she yelled at
me. Took my purse and coat away. She made me look crazy because I was scared.
She told me in her 25 years of working at NMU she had never told anyone nor
believed so strongly that an abuser would kill a victim as she was in my case.
She said I am going to see your name in the obituaries. A part of me knew I was
going to die on this path. Valentine’s day I remember I went to my first class
then came back to my dorm room to take a nap, I was half asleep when there was
a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was my parents I had a moment of
happiness but then was confused on why they were there. They said the dean of
students had called them and told them to leave as soon as possible to come and
get me the school was withdrawing me because they were afraid Jake was going to
kill me. It felt like my life was crumbling before me, how hard I had worked to
get to college, how much I loved my program and this city. I started balling
said I wasn’t going. Didn’t let them in. I called Jake and told him that my parents were
here to bring me home, that the school was withdrawing me, he started balling. I
put him on speaker phone. I told my parents I would go with them but I had to
be able to say goodbye to Jake they said no. I told them I was going to. I had
to meet with the dean of students to sign my withdrawal papers I was so angry,
they were not going to let me say goodbye to jake, I was arguing with them all,
yelling. I just wanted to say goodbye. I said couldn’t you have just waited one
more day it was valentine’s day couldn’t I just have that, They said no because
they thought every day I stayed I was closer to him killing me. I was so sad,
scared, betrayed. The school was punishing me for doing nothing wrong, giving
the victim the same punishment of the perpetrator. It was like it was the school’s
easy way out, that I might die but it wouldn’t be on their turf anymore, they
could wash their hands of me. They were telling me I was acting like a child
wanting to say goodbye to Jake, I was not a child. I had been forced to grow up
in so many ways to protect my self. This saying good bye to jake was more like
saying goodbye to my life because it was all I knew any more. I signed my
withdrawl papers tears running down my face. Ran out of the office, ran to my
dorm, grabbed Jake’s valentine’s day present, and meet him at Marquette
general. I gave him my gift, hugged him, and kissed him, he told me “I will
never love someone the same way I love you.” Told me we’d work this out. I could have ran away with him, could have
stayed with me, but I knew I was worth more. Knew I had to go. My parents kept
calling my cell I told them I had gone to meet him like I said but I would meet
them at my dorm to pack. As we drove away I opened Jake’s gift to me it was an
opal necklace I said I had liked. My friend Stig called me told me I was
stupid, that they told me this was going to happen, why didn’t I try to reach
out more to him and my friend Sam and hung up on me.
Not even a week later I
went back up to the UP on a greyhound bus, I remember I got stuck overnight in
Duluth and made the joke to Jake that it was so ghetto here I was afraid I
would be raped, he said that wouldn’t be good because it would make my vagina
less tight for him. My old roommate messaged me asked me if I wanted to die? That
I was being stupid coming back up. I don’t
remember that week that well I know we went ice skating, dressed up to go out
on our valentines day date to a Mexican restraunt in Escanaba. Jake wanted me
to take lots of pictures and post them on facebook to show people I wasn’t dead.
A bunch of guys who were in more dorm hall commented stuff like “slut”, “looks
like someone’s hungry for a knuckle sandwich.” “looks like someone’s ready to
get hit”. When I got home things weren’t as happy anymore that honey moon
period had worn off Jake wanted me to basically just stay in my room talk to
him, ignore my family. He told me for every time I chose my family over him I
would have to blow him, because I went to Walmart with my mom rather than
skyping him. Wanted me to apply to Finnlandia with him but there was nothing
there I wanted to do, and deep down I knew I couldn’t do that do myself put
myself back in school with him be stuck with him for the rest of my life. Jake
ended up losing his job because he lied on his time sheets and because his
employer heard about what he did to me. Jake kept talking about killing him
self, He called me once said that he was the one who had it all horrible
because he had lost school, and his job how he should just kill himself, I said
you know jake I lost school and my job too, he said maybe we should just off it
off together than. I said “kill ourselves? Jake I don’t want to die.” He said
don’t say it out loud. Even though he was hundreds of miles away he still
wanted the control over me. Told me he wanted me to come up again but this time
I was scared with his talk of punishing me with blow jobs and killing
ourselves. I was afraid, he told me not to tell my parents just leave a note.
So I did he drove all the way to my house to pick me up when I first saw him. He
looked angry. Peed on my lawn and told me to get in the car without kissing me.
I remember we were driving when he pulled out a knife put it up to me and was
just moving it around telling me we could just off ourselves off right now.
Said how tempted he was to just serve into a tree or semi on the way here,
started swerving said that these trucks looked like good ones to crash into.
See to anyone else this might just sound like a joke, but I never knew when he
would decide to end it for us both he had the control, all this talk of us committing
suicide. I remember he told me he wanted to work out with his friend Hayden, he
wanted it to just be him and hayden that I was supposed to stay in his room and
just wait for him to come back. I remember leaving to use the bathroom, trying
to not let them see me, afraid Jake
would be mad at me for leaving his room, Hayden started talking to me and when
Jake came back Hayden said I was being really quiet, Jake said “that is how
Mary is”, hayden asked if Jake I wanted to work out with them. Jake said told
him that I didn’t want to. Hayden said “she can answer for herself.” Jake
glared at me. I said “that jake just wanted it to be you and him.” And as I was
supposed to went back to jake’s room. Jake and Hayden and I ended up going
snowmobiling together I was on the back of Jake’s snowmobile when he ran my
knee into a moving car, it really hurt and when I told jake when we stopped he
didn’t care, laughed it off. Jake decided to take me one his new snowmobile the
next day, he brought it next to the highway and sped up I told him too fast and
he just kept going faster and faster. I was afraid of falling off. I kept
hitting him telling him to slow down. Tears started running down my face. I
never knew when he might just snap and kill us both. I started to clear my mind
and dissociate to get through this ride. That week jake took me to the trailer
we were going to live in, it was nostalgic, like a graveyard for all my dreams.
The next thing I remember about that week was Jake and I were watching a movie
when he fell asleep I didn’t want to just sit there, so I tucked Jake in and went
out to the kitchen where Jake’s mom was eating salsa I sat down with her and
started snacking. She started talking to me than said your parents must be so
freaked out when you’re staying with two parents they’ve never met before. My anxiety
began to build that was not the reason! They’re terrified that I’m staying with
a guy that beats me and they’re afraid might kill me! But I couldn’t tell her
that. Could I? She could see that something was bothering me. “I said that’s
not it.” She said. “Honey, you know you can tell me anything.” I said “Do you
know why your son was expelled from NMU? She said “No not really.” I said “Your
son used to beat my backside till I got deep wound bruises. You have to believe
me I’m not lying.” She said she believed me, and started telling me about Jake’s
dad. I felt alittle strength telling her. Then Jake woke up. He stormed out of
his room heading for the front door. I was terrified saying I’m sorry, I’m sorry,
please don’t leave me. I was having a panic attack trying to cry but no tears
would fall. His mom and him were screaming at each other, he told me to get in
the car that we were going for a drive, he mom said are you just going to hit
her, break up with her? I got in the car I was so scared if I ever felt like I
was going to be killed it w, as right then. I didn’t know where we were going,
my anxiety swarmed. He was quiet so I stayed quiet. He first drove into a
casino went inside then came back, then he drove the car into an isolated area.
I was scared and he knew it, He said we had come here to talk he said I had no
right to tell his mom about that, It had nothing to do with me. I said “Yes
jake you’re right.” But that wasn’t true I did have a right it had to do with
me, she had to know, than she’d help him right? Help me? He said that I shouldn’t
have told Hayden that he didn’t want me to work out with them. I said that what
he said though. He said just don’t tell
his friends because it makes him look like he’s an asshole to me. He told me my
blow jobs were lacking lately too, I told him that he had scared me when he
said I’d have to blow him for every time I choose my family over him. He said
he figured that, but he said that because he wanted more blowjobs, so I was
supposed to work on that. The next day I left I remember his mom hugged me
goodbye.
My cousin and I in Colorado
The next week I went to Colorado to look at colleges with my little brother
and family. I remember I was so excited to see my grandparents, my grandparents
knew about my story but I was excited to get away at least for a week from my
life. We got there and it was like I was the elephant in the room. When people
don’t know what to say or do they don’t say anything at all, I’ve noticed this
with my family and especially my friends they don’t understand, they don’t know
what to say, upset that you would stay with someone that would hurt you like
that, so they distance themselves from you, the old mary was so cheery, fun and
the crazy one who would do anything, this mary was different this mary had
internally pain, some of my friends didn’t want to accept it all, appect me so
I lost them. To my grandparents and parents I felt like the failure child they
were so excited about my little brother talked wonders about what he was good
at how great of a person he was, didn’t say anything to me. All I wanted was
not to feel alone, I spent days in this isolation. It sounds funny but my
cracking point was pie. My grandparents
had gone out and bought my little brother’s favorite dessert for just him, I
had to ask for a piece from him. No one wanted to talk to me it was like I didn’t
exist to anyone. I went to the bathroom and started balling for the first time
in many months I was crying and it was over pie. A part of it felt refreashing
to get these months of tears out from being beat, name called destroyed but
that also meant I had to feel the pain, I couldn’t just block it out. The day
after I remember Jake said he had to talk to me he said he had discussed it with
his mom and I wasn’t getting better, that he needed help and that I needed help
and that we should take a break. I started crying but I said thank you. It felt
like the world was crashing around me, I felt some releaf but it was like all I
knew, all I had been trained to know was being ripped from my fingers. I had to
start all over again, I didn’t know who I was what I wanted, It was like he was breaking up with me because I was too broken for him. I remember I hadn’t
gotten my period, and was showing signs of pregnancy. I was scared but another
part of me was happy, because I than maybe jake would want to stay with me, and
then I’d have something to care for that cared about me, because that’s all I
knew anymore was how to care. It made Jake angry when I brought it up. But I
was convinced that a baby was what I needed. I wasn’t preganant, thank god. It
was funny the way Jake would talk to me it was like he still wanted the
ownership of me but that I had no ownership at all of him. I think that was
what hurt the most. When I got home from Colorado it was when it hit me of how
much around me was broken it was like everything about me, my life had been
erased and I had to figure it out all again. I was terrified. A part of me just
wanted to be dead but I knew I was stronger than killing myself that was what
jake wanted and I was stronger than that. Every day I tried to get stronger.
One day one of Jake’s friend’s Jannis sent me a message on facebook saying that
his girlfriend Michelle (who was jake’s best friend) had left him for jake.
That he was really scared because he had heard that jake had done some bad
stuff to me what he didn’t know what. My heart stopped this was the moment that
I knew I was wasn’t jealous this had nothing to do with jake getting a new
girlfriend and not wanting me. I was scared no one deserved to go through what
I went through, you can’t change people who don’t want to be changed. Abusers
only esculate. I had to save her, some way, some how. I told Jannis of all the
abuse, how horrible it was how I had to help her. I remember I called Michelle
crying telling her all about it how I was terrified for her, sent her pictures
and she started crying too I told her she had to believe me that I wasn’t
jealous I just wanted her safe. I believe she believed me, as far as I know I
changed her mind but I guess I’ll never know.
Jake sent me a message that night saying “thank you for setting me free,
from you and everything else that was ever between me and Michelle or ever was
going to be between me and Michelle I am grateful to for that because I just couldn’t
do it and I’m glad that you did thank you, I am free from the past now that
Michelle knows it I told her a little of it but I couldn’t tell her all of it
because of how much it hurt so thank you for telling her and setting me free from
it I can finally let it go never have to think about it. It is for Michelle to
decide what she wants to do with the knowledge of my past now and I’m grateful
that you did what I knew I could never do, thank you for freeing me babe.” It
was like he was taking this inner strength I had to try to speak out to
Michelle, try to help her, be that person I wanted to help me and throwing it
in my face. Throwing it in my face that it was the past, whatever he did to me
it didn’t matter now because he wouldn’t have to think about it. He could just
let it go, how he was the victim of MY abuse.
The cards my brownie troop I co-led sent me.
It was here that I knew I had to
try to stand up, try to get charges on him because it wasn’t about me anymore.
It was about the other girls out there who can’t stand up for themselves; who
could be his next victim. If all this happened to me, if I was this close to
him killing me what would he do to the next girl? Abusers only escalate. How
long can he go thinking he’s doing nothing wrong? It’s like he just got to
start over at finlandia, he can just tell people he didn’t like NMU because
Finlandia didn’t have to look at his record because it’s a private school, and
because he has no current criminal charges. He gets to forget it all. But I can’t
I have nightmares, flashbacks, not only if someone happens to hit my backside;
but to the sound of his hand hitting against me, the same car he drove, etc.
the simplest things make tears well in my eyes as I try to hide it. My life is
changed. Inside I am so broken, I try to hide it, I am afraid of people, afraid
of my past, afraid of my future.
In July I sent a message to Jake’s ex
girlfriend Tresse on facebook “I know this is the most random
message ever but my name is Mary, and from my understanding you used to date
Jake van pelt. He just broke it off with me in March..but he was extremely
physically, sexually and emotionally abusive to me. I have PTSD now from being
sexual assaulted so many times. He was expelled from northern Michigan
university with 24 counts against him 5 of them sexual assault all towards me.
NMU withdrew me in February because they thought he was going to kill me...i
guess what I'm trying to ask..and its Ok if you don't want to answer is did
Jake ever hurt you? He started dating a new girl today..michelle? Idk if you
know her. But I called and told her what happened to me..that doesn't deserve
to happen to anyone, she said she believed me but i guess Im scared for her. I
might seek charges, I should..I.just don't want anyone else to get hurt :(
sorry if I bothered you in anyway! And I understand if you don't wanna talk to
me that's Ok” I told her she could text me too if she wanted
terese texted me back “You were asking me if Jake ever hit me or physically
abused me. Yes he did. Only once though. Never again after that. I’m not sure
if you know his father Gary, Did he ever mention him?” I said yes. She said “I’ve
know Jake for years and I know his father…and I think the only way you can help
him is pressing charges, I believe. He got the pleasure from smacking people on
the ass I guess what he told me… He did that but then I broke his nose. So he
never did that to me again. That may not sound terrible but he was like holding
me down and everything. I hope you don’t mind me asking but did he ever attempt
to kill you? Or say he was gonna kill himself?” It was like she knew exactly
what had happened to me. She said “This is fucking terrible…michelle needs to
get away from him soon as possible, He’s a sick maniac. I hope you believe he
still deserves to be put away.”
June 8 I met with Terese in Appleton. We talked
about Jake’s dad how he had been put in jail because they found a woman duct
taped to his wall in his basement. We talked about our abuse, Jake had told me
that Terese was suicidal and wanted to kill herself, had cut herself, Terese
told me that Jake was the one who had been the suicidal one. She said Jake had
lived with her for a while but one day she came home and he was watching videos
of spanking. It freaked her out. She talked out the time Jake assaulted her, she
was at Wisconsin Dells with him when she made a joke about Jake being gay it
made him angry. She said he had tried to assault her in the back of his car the
same place he had assaulted me multiple times. She had broken his nose. She was
still terrified of the back of cars like that now. It was so rewarding to spend
this time with her.
I guess this brings it to today I’ve been
writing this part 2 and letter to the prosecutor for trying to get charges for almost a year now, it itself is terrifying. Bringing
myself back to my terror, trying to remember and not remember at the same time,
there’s a wall in my mind trying to put a defense up in my memory. Why so long
to write it? Because I finally am feeling some control in my life. I’m strong
enough to bring my mind and emotions back to that time. I go to group therapy every
week at the shelter for domestic abuse and sexual assault survivors. It’s funny
because all our stories are different yet the same. I go to Individual therapy at
least two or three times a month and am beginning the process of EMDR to try to
help with my PTSD. I also have gone to therapy for my dissociative behaviors of
alcohol abuse and sex, I want to better myself, live my life. I wake up every
day terrified, changed by my past. I’m still trying to find myself again what I’m
good at, who I want to be, who I am. Tears well in my eyes almost every day but
I am determined to keep going. I am currently in cosmetology school because I
was too afraid to go back to a four year college but maybe one day I will when
I started at NMU I thought I had it all
figured out but than my life was changed not but by my choice. I don’t have it
all figured out yet but I think that’s ok. This letter, this blog, this want for Jake to
have consequences isn’t about revenge, it’s about having my power back, trying
to save another girl who doesn’t have her voice. To speak the truth even if my
voice shakes.
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