Slap Her.

 

 

 

 

E.E cummings

 

I am here

I am here.

The place it all happened.

I'm ok. It's scary. But I'm ok.

It's hard because I'm constantly looking over my shoulder seeing if you're there. I walk by places, a memory flashes through my mind of what happened there, something you said to me. Not always bad, not always good.
Memories.

Going in to public places I'm searching, surveying every moment.  I don't want to go out alone,
Every time I enter somewhere new I keep my hand near my pepper spray. It's silly. Does it make me feel safer?
I'm less afraid of you hurting me.

More afraid of seeing you.

Seeing your family, your friends, people who know you.

Who know me.

Do they remember me.

Do they remember what you did to me.

I am here.

Here Is How I Am A Bad Sexual Assault Victim

Excerpt from article "Here Is How I Am a Bad Sexual Assault Victim" by Maya Inamura found at:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mayainamura/here-is-how-i-am-a-bad-sexual-assault-victim

 

 

 

"I am not a good victim of sexual assault. My assailant was not a stranger: We were on a date. I let him into my apartment and he eventually assaulted me there. After he left, he texted me saying that he had a great time and hoped to see me again soon. If you asked him today, I bet he’d tell you he was a modest, sweet, upstanding guy who had never assaulted or raped anyone. He even identified as a feminist.

A good victim is one who did nothing to “ask for it.” A good victim does not know her assailant, is not around him willingly, isn’t sexually active, isn’t dressed provocatively, and isn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She makes it clear that the assault is not consensual, immediately reports it to the authorities, and cooperates with the investigation. No one can find fault with a good victim, because the good victim did everything in her power, and more, to prevent the assault from happening. The fault, therefore, can only lie with the assailant.
I’m a bad victim for a number of reasons. Perhaps the biggest reason is that I didn’t even immediately process that what was happening to me was sexual assault: I turned numb, unable to think or react, and stayed that way for several days afterward. My sympathetic nervous system — the “fight-or-flight” response — chose the third, lesser-known option of “freezing.” Most likely because of that, I think, my memory of the events before and after my assault is hazy, though I wasn’t drunk at all. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about at the restaurant beforehand, or what route we took to walk to my apartment, or what reason he gave for eventually leaving. I don’t even remember the exact date on which it happened.
These blanks in my memory give others a reason to doubt my story — what if I was just making it all up for attention? — despite the fact that my memory of the assault itself is crystal clear. Because I didn’t do everything right, because there is reason to doubt me, I am not a good victim.
In actuality, the “good victim” is a mythical archetype, simply a yardstick by which all other victims are measured. No one will ever be considered a good victim in our society, because there’s always something one can find for which to fault the victim. Once there’s anything at all to fault the victim for, she and her story lose all credibility and she becomes a bad victim."

Scared

This is hard to write, but maybe it will make me feel better to write it. A guy took advantage of me and kind of freaked me out. I met him online which probably isn't a good thing in the first place. He picked me up because we were supposed to watch a movie but was yelling at on the phone because he couldnt find where I lived, I started walking to be able to try to meet him somewhere, I was starting to tear up as he was yelling at me and being mean to me on the phone, but it was so cold outside, I just wanted to be somewhere warm and I was already afraid of him to say something so I got in his car with him. He took me to his apartment then after a while he started trying to hook up with me. I didn't want to but didn't say no, so I guess it's kinda my fault but he was yelling at me so it kind of scared me so I didn't want to make him angry, because I was so extremly sexually assaulted  I was trying to explain why he couldn't do certain things because I have PTSD which he did anyway and said he didn't want to know because he didn't want to think of another guy in where he was, I was terrified and couldn't speak looking up at him in horror and he was yelling at me to say yes or no, and telling me what to do. He kept asking me if I was clean and wouldn't believe me when I kept saying I,was, It made me feel dirty. I knew I wasn't going to get out of there till he finished and I was kind of scared of what he would do if I told him I wanted to stop or leave. When he was done he didn't want to bring me home, I did want to stay there any longer though. So he put me in a cab, Just can't sleep now. I know it's my fault but I was just scared.